Slowing Down

Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished. – Lao Tzu

I am really trying to live life slowly, but our society isn’t built for it. I work full-time from home, so most days are spent in my office while I hear my mother in the other room caring for my baby. I am fortunate she is retired and able to help me during the days. I have always loved working. To a fault I have found my value in my work, but when I became a mom, I found it really difficult to focus on “work”. In part I believe that’s because the work I do professionally feels so unimportant compared to being with my children. I don’t like wasting time on things that aren’t “important”.

I feel the same way every time I try to read fiction instead of non-fiction. My brain can’t get past the fact that it feels like a waste of time – Time better spent reading to learn something. It feels like a sickness. I wish I could sit down and enjoy a book without needing to be “productive”.

Maybe everyone reaches this realization at some point in their career – I just feel very aware of how insignificant it all is. I am a project manager so it’s my job to create structure and apply pressure (stress?) to complete projects. But I have been a PM long enough to see some of the projects I stressed to complete become phased-out to make way for new business and new technology. It’s always changing, and the work is never done. So why are we trying so hard to complete things that won’t matter even 5 years from now? Maybe it’s my industry. I am left wondering “why” so often these days.

But, money. And cost of living. So instead of wallowing, I am really trying to slow down and soak in the moments I do have. Like chunky baby fingers, gummy smiles and babblings. Nothing gives me life more or makes me feel more fulfilled than dreaming with my husband, chatting with my son and snuggling with my baby. I guess true happiness will have to pause from 8am – 5pm for a little while longer.